The thing that has struck me the most in learning about NPD is the fact that the narcissist is not exactly human. They look human, just like the Terminator did, but also like him they can really only do what their instinct and false-self will allow them to–the Teminator’s false self being his human like disguise which is partly blown off in the picture above.
Like the Terminator, they lack certain criteria that most humans possess, such as empathy and a connection to other fellow humans. This is not just a generalization of narcissists, either. They really are not capable of experiencing and feeling genuine emotions like most humans and they are also not capable of perceiving reality the way that most humans see it. They lack the capacity for insight into their own mental condition, and cannot help but perceive actions from loved ones as slights or insults. They react to these perceived threats with their initial emotions without regard as to the consequences. And, unless they become self-aware, they cannot be convinced that they have a problem to begin with. It truly is a hopeless situation.
It does help a little to know that my narcissist only acted the only way he knew how to. I discuss that and the concept of the illusion of free will in this blog post. Check it out to see why I cannot blame my narcissist for his actions.
But, by far, the video that has most helped me to start to heal is this one by Assc Direct. It helped put into perspective the reality that the man that I loved was little more than a cyborg that ran on programs which he literally has no control over. It wasn’t anything that I did and I couldn’t have done anything to keep him anyway. Narcissists are programmed to leave and they do. The video by Assc Direct really allowed me to see that and as I watched it, with tears in my eyes, I finally accepted all the clues that I was well aware of, but chose to ignore in the hopes that he might change.
My narcissist gave me exactly what I wanted in a man—that is why I became so hooked on him and addicted to the love-bombing stage. But it was, just as the video states, just a simulation of my perfect and ideal man. There were never any real or genuine emotions behind the simulation. I think I often felt that from him. I never truly felt like the emotions that he was displaying to me, or simulating, were really coming from his heart—mainly because, I really had no idea what was in his heart. He never really opened up to me in a way that I could really feel like we had a connection. I liked to think that we had a connection, and because he was my only friend, I felt like any connection was something, but it was not a real connection in the true sense of the word because it lacked a certain humanness.
It’s very interesting that Assc Direct considers narcissists to be cyborgs because Sam Vaknin also considers narcissists to be some form of artificial intelligence that lack the capacity to truly feel emotions. Vaknin gives a really good description of a narcissist here that aligns with what Assc Direct says in the video above. And here Vaknin goes into more detail about the artificial intelligence and “cold empathy” of a narcissist.
Even knowing all of this and starting to come to terms with it, the pain is still there. I imagine that I will still be hurting for a long time, but, I feel better now that I know that my narcissist only did what he was programmed to do. This is why I honestly cannot feel mad at him. I am hurt and upset that circumstances were such that this was the inevitable result, and that, because of his condition which prevents him from having any insight, there was no other way he could have reacted. This is the closest to closure that I will get.
Anyone else find closure in their own way?
Under the Spell 