More on Trauma Bonding and Enmeshment

I wrote this blog post on trauma bonds and this blog post on trauma bonding and the Stockholm Syndrome a while back. Please check them out if you have not already. I am adding information to that concept.

This article by Lindsey Dodgson in the Business Insider, explains how victims of abuse stay with their abusers because of the powerful chemical addiction that the body becomes accustomed to over time. This article really hit home for me when Dodgson stated, “Unfortunately, for many people, when they try to leave these relationships they are so bonded to their abuser that they return. Others don’t try to leave at all, and are only freed from the clutches of the abuse when they are discarded” (para.12). I was discarded by my narcissist and likely would not have left him ever, had that not happened. I know now, after having gone through, and still going through it actually, that the chemical addiction is absolutely real and so is the withdrawal that comes after the discard.

For sixteen years my narcissist was part of my identity. We were that close…or, at least I thought we were that close. It is still so difficult to accept that I was in love with the lies that he presented and therefore, nothing that I thought or felt about him was probably true. But, I honestly felt that he was a part of my identity.

The reason for that, aside for the enmeshment that occurred, was that we had kind of a whirlwind romance. We met at the casino where we both worked at and hit it off immediately, and were together ever since—for sixteen years. Friends that knew us when we first met, who had already been through their own divorces, would always admire that we were still together after so long. I enjoyed that status and it really feels like I failed now because I no longer can boast about that anymore.

Of course, it was not sixteen years of fun and happy times, I knew that even then. But that was why I loved that status even more—because it was so hard-won. I had managed to keep us together, despite all of the hard times, and believe me there were plenty of them. To me, that was such a big accomplishment and I enjoyed taking credit for it.

Now that my narcissist has discarded me I feel like I have lost my identity. That is why I feel so lost and without purpose now. Who am I now if I am no longer the woman who has succeeded in keeping her man for sixteen years? It stings to now be the woman that failed after sixteen years of trying.

The reality is that, for sixteen years, and even now, I still cannot place myself and my own accomplishments, independent of my narcissist, first. I might feel this way because I am a codependent with poor boundaries that bonded with my abuser through trauma which allowed me to enmesh with my narcissist.

In this video by the Little Shaman Healing she explains enmeshment and the lack of or poorly enforced boundaries. Enmeshment allows the narcissist and codependent to become so entangled with one another that it really is difficult to see two individuals as opposed to one body. I believe that my narcissist and I experienced this and I also believe that it may have affected him just as it did me while we were together.

This video by Lisa Romano explains very clearly why I fell for my narcissist to begin with. Codependents are literally addicted to love because of the chemicals released in our bodies during the love-bombing stage. It was this need and desire for the feelings associated with love that drove me to my narcissist’s arms in the first place. I love how she refers to quantum physics and the quantum field to explain this attraction. The bottom line is, I am an empathic codependent and I attracted a narcissist who gave me what I wanted and I gave him what he wanted. He used me and spit me out, basically. He has not more use for me, so he has now discarded me.

So, the scary truth that I now have to deal with is that, unless I am successful in healing myself, I WILL attract another narcissist and I WILL enmesh and become trauma bonded with him. This is the doubt that comes up within me every day. So, tell me again why I need to not take my ex-narcissist back? Is it so that I won’t have to deal with any more abuse? I fear that I will still have a lot more abuse to deal with before this is all over.

Why?

Because I still feel a strong connection to my narcissist and the only way that I think that I can break it is by being with another man. That really is the only way—and doing so will mean that I have attracted another narcissist. How cruel that the thing that I want most, to be loved and cared about, is the thing that may be my demise.

Dodgson, Lindsey. “People often stay in abusive relationships because of something called ‘trauma bonding’—here are the signs it’s happening to you.” Business Insider. 17 August 2017. http://www.businessinsider.com/trauma-bonding-explains-why-people-often-stay-in-abusive-relationships-2017-8

The Moment of Clarity

That moment of clarity does come, trust me. For me, it came early this morning as I drove to get my coffee. I was thinking about why my narcissist left me—the real reason why. He left me because I had slowly and unintentionally been unmasking him in the attempt to find a solution to our never-ending fighting. He had already been diagnosed with PTSD and Depression several years ago and had gone through years of therapy for that, but our relationship problems persisted so I started doing some research and came upon the description for Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Codependency, which described our relationship perfectly.

Initially, my narcissist agreed and accepted that he might have NPD, but the more information that I shared with him about it, the more he began to distance himself from me. I know his ego did not like learning that NPD basically meant that he had arrested development and was basically a child. He also hated learning that he had a false-self that was built upon lies and that his true-self was that child. I know that he began resenting me for uncovering all of this information, even though he played along like he was going to seek help.

In reality, he was planning his escape and was just waiting for any stupid little reason to leave so that he could just disappear—and that is exactly what he did. He left me feeling guilty about trying to help our hopeless situation and thinking that maybe I should have just left it alone. In fact, I even told him many times how sorry I was that I had ever even looked into NPD in those days right after he left when I broke No Contact countless times in the attempt at getting him back.

Now, I just feel angry about all of that. I still cannot blame him completely for his actions because I know he is like a cyborg that runs on very primitive programming designed as defense mechanisms, but I do feel angry at his blame game where he justified his poor actions by blaming me for our relationship having ended rather than take responsibility for his own mental condition and accept help. He truly is like a child that has been called out in a lie and now only wishes to remove himself from the entire situation rather than accept the responsibility of his actions.

It is a coward’s way out.

I deserve better than that.

This clarity has also allowed me to see how very much like my narcissist dad my narcissist was. The narcissist that raised me did not like being questioned or told about any kind of flaw that he may have had and often belittled and put down my mother just to make himself feel better. Growing up, he would do the same to me and put me down nearly every day for the stupidest things. He always made me feel like I could never please him and my entire life has been spent trying to juggle his fragile sense of self with reality.

I felt the exact same way with my narcissist. Remember, narcissists do not perceive reality the way that it really is, so it ends up being a never-ending game of twisting reality to meet the narcissist’s false perception. As my narcissist’s mate, I naturally wanted him to feel like he was right, even though it meant that I had to choke on the truth, because that seemed to be the only way to pacify him—just another way that I sacrificed my sanity for him.

It pains me to admit that I fell for someone just like my dad. But, that is the nature of my codependency. I was raised by a cruel narcissist and a codependent, so I just fell into their same pattern of abuse. My narcissist dad left my codependent mom after twelve years of marriage, about the time that he got tired or bored of her, and my narcissist left me after sixteen years together because he saw me as a threat to his imagined greatness.

The truth doesn’t just hurt, it angers me, but it will set me free.

Letting Go of the Narcissist

It’s been just slightly over two weeks and I am so emotionally depleted, so physically and mentally efed, that I am ready to do the only thing that I can do at this time, and that is to let go. It’s been two weeks of me trying to get my narcissist back, of trying in vain to get him to even speak to me by breaking No Contact, and I have failed. I have no further recourse now. I cannot continue torturing myself in this way. I must accept that he is gone and never coming back. I did the one thing that narcissists cannot ever forgive—I unmasked him. He will not likely recover from that narcissistic injury and perhaps, as much as I do not want to believe it, I am better off for that.

I am trying to sound strong, but in reality I am a broken mess. I am choosing to let go at this point because I am not sure how much more pain and torture I can handle before I completely lose myself. I have made myself crazy trying to figure out what I did wrong, but in the end, I realize that I have just been trying to control the outcome of this situation like I have always tried to do—that is a trait of codependency. For sixteen years I have gone through the cycle of abuse and always made sure that I got my narcissist back after the devaluation and discard, but this was the final discard and I must accept that I cannot control the outcome of this event. I must just let it go and move on.

Letting go is so hard. I found Inner Integration to be very helpful in coming to this realization and I strongly recommend anyone going through something similar to check out her video on Codependency and control. The Little Shaman Healing was also very helping. Check out her video on trauma bonds and how to break them here. Trauma bonds are what keep us attached to our abuser but it is not the same thing as being codependent. If you are a codependent trapped in a trauma bond, then you have twice as much to deal with, which makes it that much harder to move on, but it is possible.

Finally, check out my post on how I obtained closure here. I still hurt and it is still the most difficult and painful thing I think I have ever had to deal with, but knowing and understanding that the narcissist is little more than a cyborg or android that cannot truly feel human emotion does help with the sting of being discarded. However, it is devastating to accept that the past sixteen years with my narcissist were lies—nothing but lies.

I have found that the best way to get through this episode of my life is, just like most of the videos I have watched state, by taking one day at a time and focusing on myself. I watch educational videos and read articles about NPD every day and that helps. No Contact is still difficult and I still find myself being tempted to reach out to him again, but after he has refused to even reply to my emails, I have to face the fact that he is done with me. He has extracted all of the pleasure and enjoyment that he wanted from me, and now he is moving on. I must do the same. It really is the only thing that I can do at this point.

The Narcissist is a Cyborg that Can Only Do What He is Programmed to Do

The thing that has struck me the most in learning about NPD is the fact that the narcissist is not exactly human. They look human, just like the Terminator did, but also like him they can really only do what their instinct and false-self will allow them to–the Teminator’s false self being his human like disguise which is partly blown off in the picture above.

Like the Terminator, they lack certain criteria that most humans possess, such as empathy and a connection to other fellow humans. This is not just a generalization of narcissists, either. They really are not capable of experiencing and feeling genuine emotions like most humans and they are also not capable of perceiving reality the way that most humans see it. They lack the capacity for insight into their own mental condition, and cannot help but perceive actions from loved ones as slights or insults. They react to these perceived threats with their initial emotions without regard as to the consequences. And, unless they become self-aware, they cannot be convinced that they have a problem to begin with. It truly is a hopeless situation.

It does help a little to know that my narcissist only acted the only way he knew how to. I discuss that and the concept of the illusion of free will in this blog post. Check it out to see why I cannot blame my narcissist for his actions.

But, by far, the video that has most helped me to start to heal is this one by Assc Direct. It helped put into perspective the reality that the man that I loved was little more than a cyborg that ran on programs which he literally has no control over. It wasn’t anything that I did and I couldn’t have done anything to keep him anyway. Narcissists are programmed to leave and they do. The video by Assc Direct really allowed me to see that and as I watched it, with tears in my eyes, I finally accepted all the clues that I was well aware of, but chose to ignore in the hopes that he might change.

My narcissist gave me exactly what I wanted in a man—that is why I became so hooked on him and addicted to the love-bombing stage. But it was, just as the video states, just a simulation of my perfect and ideal man. There were never any real or genuine emotions behind the simulation. I think I often felt that from him. I never truly felt like the emotions that he was displaying to me, or simulating, were really coming from his heart—mainly because, I really had no idea what was in his heart. He never really opened up to me in a way that I could really feel like we had a connection. I liked to think that we had a connection, and because he was my only friend, I felt like any connection was something, but it was not a real connection in the true sense of the word because it lacked a certain humanness.

It’s very interesting that Assc Direct considers narcissists to be cyborgs because Sam Vaknin also considers narcissists to be some form of artificial intelligence that lack the capacity to truly feel emotions. Vaknin gives a really good description of a narcissist here that aligns with what Assc Direct says in the video above. And here Vaknin goes into more detail about the artificial intelligence and “cold empathy” of a narcissist.

Even knowing all of this and starting to come to terms with it, the pain is still there. I imagine that I will still be hurting for a long time, but, I feel better now that I know that my narcissist only did what he was programmed to do. This is why I honestly cannot feel mad at him. I am hurt and upset that circumstances were such that this was the inevitable result, and that, because of his condition which prevents him from having any insight, there was no other way he could have reacted. This is the closest to closure that I will get.

Anyone else find closure in their own way?

A Description of My Physical, Mental, and Emotional State after the Final Discard

This absolutely sucks. It really is the worst. It’s been almost two weeks since my narcissist discarded me and has not spoken to me, so the pain is still fresh and highly debilitating. During that time I have broken No Contact several times because I just cannot let go. I still want some kind of closure. I guess what troubles me the most, and what is the hardest to process mentally, is that the person who I thought I knew better than anyone else, and who I thought knew me, is not at all who I thought he was. Worst, the person that I thought knew me so well does not want to speak to me at all. That hurts most of all. I cannot help but wonder what I did to fall out of my narcissist’s favor to the point that he no longer wishes to speak to me. I could never imagine choosing to never speak to my narcissist. Perhaps that is why I dreaded his death so much. Now, it is almost like he is dead because there is no sign of life. The thought that he may never speak to me again is crushingly depressing.

I’ve always had a high tolerance for pain. That may be why I dwell on this.

Physically, aside from the eternal feeling of being punched in the gut, I feel not myself. I feel empty. I can literally feel my narcissist being torn from my very being, if that makes any sense. It is quite painful. For years we were extensions of each other, and now we are not. I feel lost and without purpose. I find myself obsessing over my narcissist’s departure compulsively—to the point that it prevents me from functioning normally. I keep replaying conversations and incidents in my mind, trying to pinpoint the exact time it all went wrong. In retrospect, I know that I have been aware that this day would come for as long as I can remember being with him—ever since he told me he would have to leave me to go back home and marry an Iraqi woman. Knowing that this day would come one day and accepting it are completely different things, though.

I feel emotionally devastated. I don’t think that I can ever trust anyone again. I feel like my romantic life is over because of that and I’m only forty-three. Who could ever love me? The man that I gave my entire being to has just rejected me in the most traumatic and horrible way. It is very difficult to get past this despite all of the self-care videos and articles that I have watched and read. I know that I should know that I am better than what my narcissist made me feel like, but that must be part of the spell that he put me under because I cannot for the life of me just feel better about myself. I just can’t. If anything, I can only feel worse knowing that I failed to keep my narcissist, who was also my only friend, by my side.

I guess the worst thing is that I do not want him to be out of my life just yet, even if that means that I may be required to make some more sacrifices—more than I already have. It’s sick, I know. I want him to hoover me. I await his return with baited breath and it just kills me that he may never return. I just cannot come to terms with the fact that someone that was in my life for sixteen years is just choosing to not be in it anymore.

I feel like I lost everything so that I could give him a glimpse of his true self. I unintentionally unmasked my narcissist, without thinking that he would turn on me and hate me for it. I feel that he does hate me now and that is very difficult to accept, especially because I was only trying to help. It hurts like hell that while I am literally dying over his loss, he seems completely unaffected by it. Worst still is that, according to almost all of the information I have gone through in regards to NPD, he likely does not care, nor will he ever, and I will not ever get any satisfaction from this relationship and how it ended. I will just have to accept that it is what it is and move on.

Easier said than done.

Sadly, I think that it might be easier to get over my narcissist and move on if I had someone else, a man, to take my mind off of him. That is my codependent nature, I suppose. I feel like I need a man to validate my worth. And now, when I am at my most vulnerable state, is when I am the easiest prey for another narcissist.